Is that what I’m really doing; Blogging or am I just writing hoping for that moment when opportunities door opens for me and invites me in in recognition of being good at what I do.
When I first started this blog, it was an outlet for me to print my work. It’s not the first time I’ve tried having a website but it has been the longest to last and most successful. How though have I measured that success and here in lies my problem.
When I look back at all the projects I’ve started and all the jobs I’ve done I’ve always measured myself on how good I am compared to… ?!
How do I know if it’s good enough?
Over time I’ve read about ‘What is a Blog’ and ‘How to make a blog successful’ all good stuff I’m sure. Unfortunately my past history determines otherwise, growing up in a very insecure frame of mind made worse by a breakdown before hitting middle age.
My mental anguish has just amplified the ghosts of criticisms past in needing to be recognised in the projects I’ve done over the years both professionally and for leisure.
So why am I blogging or maybe what I’m really trying to find out is why am I still blogging or maybe to dissect that even further, why am I bothering writing?
The past several months has seen me take a small break from posting. I began to feel a little over whelmed by the whole process and a little self-obsessed with my work. I started comparing the number of followers I had to those that had more than me while feeling grateful I had more than others. I was becoming jealous of all the indie publishers advertising there new authors, thinking about when will I be that person.
Then there were the bad times when my eyes were opened to the unfortunate side of being out there on the good ole World Wide Web and being victim to it.
It made me uneasy, unhappy, angry and raised some uninvited memories that just shut me down for a little while.
So I did some soul searching to try and consider my next steps and all I could come up with was not to give up on this ‘project’ as I have done so many times before. Besides I do like writing.
Yet since I’ve come back it feels more like a social media network than a place for artists and writers to enjoy what they do. I’ve come back to feelings of having to start over again and having to read others in order to be read, a like for a like.
Just like all those helpful blogs told me in order to make my blog successful.
But does anyone know what success really is and should we care. I should be past caring by now but I’m still the sad bastard who will never understand what it is just to be me enjoying the little things in life instead of living up to my failings while listen to my demons laugh their asses off.