It’s CHRISTMASSSSSS and I’m back in the day Guys and Gals. Back when Hip Hop came to Wales and, now I think about it, trying to write Rap songs. I was never much of a dancer but words, no problem (take that smug look off your face).
Anyhoo, anyone remember this? From the movie Beat Street and Volume 2 of the Soundtrack this was brilliant. It was clever, funny, ironic, real and so on and so forth.
Go watch the slightly shorter movie version over here after you’ve read the hilarious version.
Santa’s Rap
Ho! Ho Ho, Ho Ho Ho, open up your door
I’m Santa Claus and guess what y’all
I got something to show
I came to bring some Christmas Spirit
I got a big bag now guess what’s in it
Something for the rich, and something for the poor
So Merry Christmas and ho ho ho
Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas my foot
I’ma tell you what Santa really put
Under my so-called tree but in reality
Looked like nothing but a decorated pole to me
Man, you talk about a tree it makes wonder
Cause I never had a tree to put anything under
If I ever did luck up and get a tree
There was never anything under it for me
Man, I don’t what y’all talking about
Cause when I come to your town, I just get chased out
I thought y’all would be happy to see Santa Claus
But all you say is stick them up, and give me yours
You’re lucky; all you did was get ripped off
The next time to keep your big fat ass is up north
Because after my last few Christmas nights
If I see you around my neighborhood, I’m shooting on sight
And I ain’t even got a chimney for you to come down
So ain’t no need for you to be coming around
Cause the last So-Called Santa that came in with the sack
Wasn’t giving out presents, he was taking them back
Man, you all should be glad that I didn’t quit
Cause I’m getting too old for this Santa Claus shit
You think I’m getting presents, made for free
I gotta pay them elves and ain’t nobody paying me
You big fat whale, you might as well quit
Cause I can name a hundred presents that I didn’t get
And if I did get a present it would be a hand-me-down
Yo, I got this for Christmas, now how that sound?
It sounds good to me, cause I’m about to freeze
You wanna see something, look at the bottom of these
Me and brothers can’t go out, at the same time
Cause a coat that’s theirs; is a coat that’s mine
Man, I know one thing; y’all better get off my neck
And wait til you get your welfare check
Go on down to the office and stand on the line
Better hurry up, see, I got mine
Jingle, Jangle, Jingle for the poor
And once you get your welfare check
Y’all can kiss my mistletoe
Ho Ho Ho, Ho Ho Ho
That’s why the presents keep getting mixed up
Cause year after year you keep fucking up
And now I know why cause you’re always drunk
Instead of G.I. Joe, you send me this junk
That ain’t a G.I. Joe that’s a G.I. jerk
With a Kung Fu grip that don’t even work
So all I did was just put him away
Cause my G.I. Joe looked G.I. gay
That’s why you don’t get presents now cause you just ingrates
If the G.I. Joe is gay; what difference does it make?
After all he’s just a doll, ain’t too much he can do
If you ask me boy, I ain’t to sure about you
Man, forget about that, what about these shoes?
Instead of Christmas Carols, I’m singing the blues
Staring at the clock, looking hard at the time
Cause I just played the number combinated on a dime
I played 234 and put a penny on seven
Combinated 412 and deleted eleven
Put my last five cents on 356
And after all that I didn’t eat shit
Jingle, Jangle, Jingle for the poor
And once you get your welfare check
You won’t play in numbers no more
Ho, ho, ho – won’t play them no more
Yeah, you got that, right?
Alright listen Bloato, with your big fat suit
Next time say: no don’t send no substitute
Because I asked you for a beatbox and you know what I got?
Doug E. Fresh, you know that kid from down the block
For a facsimile, we must admit
Doug E. Fresh is good and made a perfect fit
He’s the only reason why we weren’t totally mad
Without Doug E our Christmas would’ve been really sad
Jingle, Jangle, Jingle for the poor
And once you get your welfare check
Even Doug E Fresh go go
Ho, ho, ho Doug E Fresh go go
To top Christmas off; I had no loving in a while
I love to have sex but I can’t afford a child
My girl wants a baby but I had to chill
She said if you don’t want a baby then you take the pill
(What is Christmas for?) Huh (What is Christmas for?)
What is Christmas for? – Yeah! What is Christmas for?
Wind up toys that don’t wind up (Mama Mama!)
Talking dolls that don’t shut up (Mama Mama!)
This is the type of present that you buy when you’re poor
So that’s what you have to settle for
And it ain’t no secret that everything’s sunny
If you’re living in Palm Springs with all that money
Americanomics works and I won’t argue that is true
But if the economy is getting better, getting better for who?
Well, if you ask me I’m doing much worse than before
With the welfare cuts, I don’t eat no more
So if I did wanna go out, I couldn’t go nowhere
Cause I ate every last one of them reindeer
Rudolph first, I went down the list
I got so hungry, I just couldn’t resist
I ate Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Dixon
Fried them up and then started to mix them
And before you knew it, they were all gone
I wonder what y’all gonna do about my reindeer song
We’ll sing silent night and jingle bells
And all those Christmas rhymes
Cause nobody gives a shit about your reindeer and hard times
You just Jingle and Jangle and hang out with the poor
And when you get your welfare check, you might rent them by the store
Doug E. Fresh and Magnificent Force, and head on out the door
And leave these party people sing the Jingle, Jangle for the poor
Jingle, Jangle, Jingle for the poor
Don’t take us for granted, cause you may never know
One day when your least expect it, we could even up the scope
So just jingle, jangle, jingle with the poor
Sing! Jingle, jangle, a jingle jangle with the poor
Jingle, jangle, jingle with the poor (Ho, ho, ho – Ho, ho, ho)
Jingle, jangle, a jingle jangle with the poor (Everybody Sing!)
Jingle, jangle, jingle with the poor (Ho, ho, ho – Come On!)
Jingle, jangle, a jingle jangle with the…
Artists: Kool Moe Dee, Doug E. Fresh, The Treacherous Three
Written by Kevin Keaton, LaMar Hill, Mohandas Dewese
